“Always go with the choice that scares you the most, because that’s the one that is going to require the most from you.”
Do you ever feel like you are standing at a crossroads and you know one path leads to quicksand and that the other would take you right off a cliff but you have no idea which is which? You’re not sure what would happen if you go down either path.
If you chose quicksand, would you sink a bit but manage to find a rope to drag yourself out with or would you be swallowed whole slowly? What would happen at the cliff? Would you fly slip off the edge and manage to find a way to fly or would you fall faster only catching glimpses of things as they fly past with no control over your life?
Both paths have possibilities- good and bad- but you can’t decide which to take or which one is worth the risk. Are they both worth it or neither? So you just stay still, wondering…
That is where I find myself right now. Legally an adult, no less confused than I was as a teenager when I heard “by the time you’re in your 20s, everything will make sense.” Yet here, I am. I turned 23 this month, graduated with a bachelor’s degree in May of last year, and am currently working as a part-time administrative assistant. I’ve always wanted to be a writer. I write with no way to get it out there.
Remember in school when everyone wanted to be an astronaut, a police officer, a fireman, or a teacher all of whom would stand in front of the class during career days? Adults would crouch down to your level, look you in the eye, and smile in what they thought was sweet. (I usually found it to a little unsettling but then again, I am not really a fan of a lack of personal space). They would ask in a friendly chipper voice “what do you want to do when you grow up?” If you answered with the one of the expected careers, you would receive a pat on the head, a handshake, or a wider smile as they cheered you on with words about how honorable of a goal you set for yourself. Any other occupation, you would hear about how ambitious you are at such a young age.
Then you get older, learn more about what drives you, experience things that a naive little kid never thought about, and you change. Sometimes these things can be hard and they will challenge what you believed in or who you thought you were and you fear that they ill reveal that you don’t know yourself as well as you thought. Other times, change is the best event life can give you. You met people who become pillars of friendship or romance who become a family you feel at home with when you are sitting down on a Friday night, watching the latest blockbuster. You go places and see sights like waterfalls or skyscrapers that leave you in awe of nature as well as the capacity humans have for creativity. Hobbies grab you and bring out passions you didn’t expect. Whether its for the good or bad, change mixes in with the constants in your life and you become an individual whose dreams aren’t the same as a five-year-old sitting on the floor, legs crossed eager to hear about someone’s latest fire fight.
So as you change, so does the question and how it feels as it echos in your ears. Now instead of it being a moment of excitement, its a moment you come to dread when someone asks the question you know comes every time you meet someone new. “What do you want to do for the rest of your life?” There are people out there who can say for certain they want to be a lawyer or a doctor and everything in their lives seems to be falling into place to make that happen. People expect you to have an answer, a set path you’ve chosen because you are out of college, a legal adult who can drink what ever you chose or fight wars in foreign lands. This is my experience and many of my friends, my graduating class. For everyone lucky enough to be certain of their future, there is someone who is afraid because nothing seems sure in their future.
I’m afraid of saying “I want to be a writer” because I hate knowing I will hear about how unrealistic it is and I need to find a more stable career path. Hesitation has become a stable friend on my tongue. So I answer that I don’t know and I feel ashamed for not having everything figured out.All through high school, I was brought up being told by authority figures that once I got through college, I would know what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be.
Unfortunately, the world is always changing and always shaping itself in a way that all the certainties of generations past have become the uncertainties of the new era. So many of the careers that seemed stable to older people are fading and there are no guarantees anymore yet the people who are now deemed adults based on how long we have taken up occupancy on this planet still feel as if they failed in some area of their life.
This blog isn’t going to be about how scared I am to be a writer or self-pity. This is about me learning to accept myself, to change what I don’t like about my life through writing. I am a writer and I am going to write. At least one post each day where I dedicate myself to writing. It may be a poem, a short story, or a general post about my life. I refuse to let my fears control me anymore so I am going to battle through and achieve my goal.
Each week, I am going to write one post about a real lady and another about a fictional lady who inspire me. Each of these ladies mean a lot about me. Every lady in the world brings something to the world around her. They offer the chance to find ourselves in them. They inspire us to face our fears. So this blog as much is it is about me, it’s about ladies who fight on, overcome obstacles, and who have courage even when they are afraid. This blog is for any woman of any age who chooses to have faith in herself and her own power.
So I invite you to read, comment, suggest whatever you want. Ask me any questions. Tell me your own stories. You can find me here, on twitter at @lionheart_lady, and on tumblr at ladywithalionheart.tumblr.com. Send me an email. I am here for you as much as I am here for me. So welcome to my blog, ladywithalionheart, and raise up with me from a princess to the queen inside for anyone who identifies as a woman regardless of other circumstances is a princess and there lives a queen in each of us if only we have the courage to open up our hearts to her and our minds to own power.